Jokes

Q: How many Ecology students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The whole graduating class: it's the only job you can get with an Ecology degree.

Bad news: scientists today announced that rapid sea level rise will flood many parts of Auckland. More bad news: many parts of Auckland won't be flooded.

The barman asks the customer if he's heard the latest Environmentalist joke. "I'll warn you, I'm an Environmentalist myself" said the customer. "No problem, I'll tell it slowly".

There was once a dog show to determine the world's smartest dog. Three dogs were in the finals, one belonged to a Farmer, one to an Architect and one to an Environmentalist. Each dog was given 10 minutes to see what it could make. First the farmer's dog dug up a patch of ground and planted some crops. Then the architects's dog assembled a small building. The judges were impressed, which one would they pick? Then the environmentalist's dog went and screwed both the other dogs and restored everything to how it was before.

An Environmentalist rushes into a bar with a pig under his arm. "Where did you get that?" asks the barman. "I won him in a raffle" said the pig.

Q: What's the difference between a bucket of fertiliser and an Environmentalist?
A: The bucket.

Q: Why don't Environmentalists have mid life crises?
A: Because they're stuck in adolescence.

Q: Why do male Environmentalists like clever women?
A: Opposites attract.

A very sick old man calls a Doctor, a Lawyer and Environmentalist to his deathbed. "I'm giving you each an envelope containing $100,000 cash, my life savings" he said. "When I die, I want to take it all with me. I want you three to come to my funeral, and each place the money in my coffin." Later the old man dies. At the funeral, the doctor, lawyer, and Environmentalist file by the coffin, each placing an envelope inside, and the man is buried. A few weeks later, the three of them meet up. The Doctor and Lawyer admit to only placing $50,000 each into the coffin, they needed some money for themselves but they feel guilty about it. "You two should be ashamed of yourselves" said the Environmentalist, "I put a cheque for the entire $100,000 in there."

Q: Why aren't there many jokes about Green politicians?
A: So Environmentalists can remember them.

Q: Why are they sending Environmentalists to the bottom of the sea?
A: Because deep down they're not so bad.

Have you heard the joke about the Environmentalist who testified at a Resource Consent Hearing that he was in favour of something? Neither has anyone else.

Did you know that if you took all the Climate Change Activists in the world and lined them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?

Q: Why do protestors at Environmental Rallies make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

A Lawyer, an Economist and an Environmentalist all died in a car accident. Just as they were about to move the Lawyer to the morgue, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctor asked him what happened. "Well," said the Lawyer, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and all three of us were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $1000, we could return to Earth. So, of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him $1000, and the next thing I knew I was back here." "That's amazing" said the doctor, "but what happened to the other two?". "The last time I saw them," replied the Lawyer "the Economist was haggling over the price and the Environmentalist was waiting for the government to pay."

Q: How many Green political leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. They don't last as long as light bulbs.

Q: Whats the difference between a yurt full of Environmentalists and a hedgehog?
A: A hedgehog has pricks on the outside

Q: Why aren't there many Environmentalist Olympians?
A: Because protesting isn't a sport.

Where do Environmentalists go on vacation? To a different Protest.

Q: What do you call an Environmentalist that goes to Parliament?
A: The cleaner.

Q: How many Ministry of the Environment officials does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sixty. One to change the bulb, and 59 to do the paperwork.

Q: How many Environmentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Environmentalists aren't very enlightened anyway.
A: None. Environmentalists always protest against change.
A: One. She grabs the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A: Six. One to change the bulb and five to protest about the coal-fired power plant that provides the electricity.

Q: How many rational Environmentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Both of them.

Q: How many Green politicians in coalition government does it take to agree to change a light bulb?
A: It's going to be a dark few years, isn't it?

Q: What do you get when an octopus and an Environmentalist have a baby?
A: I don't know but it can sign petitions eight times faster.

Q: How many Climate Change Scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb, one to measure the bulb's temperature, and one to adjust the measurements.
A: Fifty. One to install the new bulb and 49 to do research on the CO2 impact of the bulb.

Three politicians, a Conservative, a Socialist, and a Green, are sentenced to spend a year in solitary confinement. The judge, feeling sorry for the men, allows them to take whatever they want with them. The Conservative takes a mobile phone, the Socialist 1000 cigarettes and the Green 50 packets of Fair Trade coffee, and off they go to serve their sentences. After a year they open the cells. The Conservative comes out a rich man's cell, he has done so many business deals on the phone. The Socialist comes out relaxed and happy, the cigarettes have kept him relaxed. The Green emerges shaking and trembling "Please can somebody boil some water?"

Quotes

The opinions that are held with passion are always those for which no good ground exists
Bertrand Russell

Extremism is so easy. You’ve got your position and that’s it. It doesn’t take much thought
Clint Eastwood

The first principle is that you must not fool yourself and you are the easiest person to fool
Richard Feynman

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are so confident while the intelligent are full of doubt.
Bertrand Russell

It is better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot
Anatole France

Doubt is an uncomfortable condition, but certainty is a ridiculous one
Voltaire

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth
Umberto Eco

We do not see things as they are. We see them as we are
Talmud

There is science, logic, reason; there is thought verified by experience. And then there is California
Edward Abbey

Inspect every piece of pseudoscience and you will find a security blanket, a thumb to suck, a skirt to hold. What have we to offer in exchange? Uncertainty! Insecurity!
Isaac Asimov

For every PhD there is an equal and opposite PhD
Gibson's Law

Tags: Climate Change, New Zealand